Baseball's Unwritten Rules... And Their Stupidity

The ONLY way that we would eeeeeeeeever talk about Spring Training is if something interesting or controversial happens that catches our eye - like Randy Johnson nailing a bird. You've guessed wrong if you think this is the place to get analysis of those Royals Split Squad games. But, yesterday, something did catch my eye from a Cactus League game between Milwaukee and San Francisco that makes a larger point about baseball's lagging popularity.

Let's set the backstory quickly. On 9/6/09, Prince Fielder hit a 12th inning walk-off to beat the Giants 2-1. The win moved Milwaukee to 66-70 (not like they had a ton to play for). Fielder and the Brewers had a unique way to celebrate Fielder's heroics...

What are your first thoughts after seeing that video? If it's fun, laughter, enjoyment, or happiness then baseball is the wrong sport for you. If it's annoyance, anger, jealousy, or curmudgeonness then you're a fan of the national pastime! You see, having fun and like enjoying yourself, and you know, remembering that you're playing a game... that's against the UNWRITTEN RULES OF BASEBALL. Gasp! The horror!

Here's what Prince Fielder said after the game:

"It was fun, especially the way the season is going now for us," Fielder said. "It's always good to have some fun."

OH NO HE DIDN'T! Don't you dare enjoy success! That doesn't follow the UNWRITTEN RULES OF BASEBALL. Since Fielder broke the UNWRITTEN RULES OF BASEBALL, the Giants paid him back yesterday in a Spring Training game. Barry Zito hurled a fastball in Fielder's backside in the 1st inning of a practice game yesterday. Why? Purposely throwing a ball at someone is fair compensation for having fun playing a game. Yes, that makes sense - at least according to UNWRITTEN RULES OF BASEBALL.

Here's my question. What happens when one of those retaliatory beanballs gets away and hits someone in the head? What if Prince Fielder's wrist was broken yesterday? Or he got his skull fractured? Would we just chalk that up to karma? Would he still be getting what he deserved? Would we still hear these morons talk about following these make-believe codes and rules? Please.

It's because of crap like this that baseball has almost zero popularity amongst the youths of America. Why would any kid want to go play baseball and be punished for having fun playing sports? Seriously? Is this the message MLB wants to send kids? Use steroids and cheat, but also make sure you follow our stupid codes and don't enjoy yourself. I think the vast majority of kids in this country would rather play football or basketball, you know, where they can play sports without worry of following these idiotic codes.

I'm not a baseball hater. I love going to the ballpark. I love the history of the game. I want baseball to be popular. But is it a mystery why baseball has been supplanted by football as America's favorite sport? Because it's still stuck in the 1930's! No matter what these codes symbolize, there will always be a small group of baseball purists that will stick up for the UNWRITTEN RULES OF BASEBALL because that's baseball and Ken Burns did a documentary on it one time.

And, if you don't get it, and don't appreciate someone getting beaned in a Spring Training game, then that's your problem. Instead of 4 hour games, beanballs, a lack of parity, and steroid abuse - maybe baseball should embrace the Prince Fielders of the world and make the game an entertaining experience for fans.

Just to let you in on the secret, here are 5 of Baseball's Unwritten Rules. Of course, since they're not written down, this is just my best guess...

1) Don't steal a base in a blowout
2) Don't show up the pitcher after hitting a home run
3) Don't show up an umpire (never forget that fans pay just as much money to see them too)
4) Don't swing at a 3-0 pitch in a blowout
5) Everyone must leave the dugout for a fight

Simple enough, right? Oh, wait, I found 5 more...

6) Don't have fun or enjoy success
7) Anything that makes a game longer than 3 hours is encouraged
8) Don't encourage kids to become baseball fans
9) Don't punish cheaters that destroy the integrity of the game
10) Do everything you can to follow the stupid unwritten rules, even if it makes your sport seem petty, insignificant, and arcane

I know what the old guard of baseball purists will say, in a gruffled 1920's prospector voice...

You've never played baseball. You just don't understand the purity of the game. The unwritten rules are a part of the fabric of baseball.

And I know what 90% of American sports fans would say...

Is it football season yet?